So it has been an amazing amount of time, since this poor corner of blogistan was given any attention. Why was this being ignored? I think, I had better things to do than to sit and pour my extremely mediocre thoughts on a pretty secluded and audience-less blog. But today, I could use that.
A little scenario is due. Since, I will be repeating third year of the course which I had taken up at college. This year, which should have been technically my 4th year of the course because of some reasons which don't make any sense other than this was 'planned' like that, may be, I will be staying behind and repeating the last year's subjects. Which means I am to face three things: firstly. my friends and my batch mates have all been promoted to the next level, secondly, I am to study the same books and bear the same teachers at least for this year and thirdly, on top of everything, I am stuck with the juniors who I don't really like for the rest of my time at school. :(
But I am a wise girl. At least this is the impression, that everyone who knows me, has of me. Tragedy is that I am not. I just pretend to be, and that just makes things worse. I have been numbing my brain for past couple of days to not to imagine the horrible-ness of what I have let happen to myself minus very obvious socio-environmental factors. And I am talking about the 'causes' that led to such a devastating consequence not about the 'super amoral powers' that could have successfully prevented it. I didn't think about how I am going to deal with the same teachers, some of whom fall under we-know-you're-smart-we're-so-dissappointed category and others are we-expect-your-face-to-be-here-for-a-single-year-only. Awkward and embarrassing. Not to mention, I have been favorably famous as a good student from day one at my school and all my teachers even those who have left school, if encountered by any of my batch mates, always ask about me. Hence, I wouldn't be excused of the lime light that easily. And it's going to be a little tough answering questions, the answers to which I dun really know. In my head, this has been my fault. I let this happen to myself. In my friends' heads, it's a trend, a setup, my fault could have hardly comprised 25% of the whole 'mess-up'. I dun want to believe in problems that I cannot fix. The solutions are harder to find. Doesn't make sense to me. So, I doubt if anybody could imagine the pain of the in-my-head thoughtful regret driven lashings that I have been giving myself since the curse manifested itself. I am bleeding and I am bruised. But I know, with Allah SWT's help, I can fix this.
I am not that weak, I have been through a lot of situations and this one is nothing compared to them. I know, it's fixable. I know, repeating could help me become better at my profession than most of my friends.It's good for me academically and long-run wise. I know that losing a year is nothing, time's already flying by. I know, that my decision to not to comply for something that could have saved me from all of this trouble, was the right thing to do. But I feel low and less energetic rather energy-less. I am finding it so very difficult to be patient. I have lost my confidence, my self-esteem is down. I am scared. I am anxious. I am nervous. And I feel like crying.
In an hour, I leave for my school, the commencement of the classes for the new third year is today, the 6th of February 2012. Being famous, I know a couple of juniors, who are very kind to me and respect me. They dun doubt my eligibility as I do, I guess, no one does. Last night, I had a disturbed sleep, nightmares of exams, being chased down by the teachers and again becoming victim of what has happened already. This happens only when I am extremely stressed out. Even though the earthquake has ended. Reverberations? Repercussions? Rehabilitation? I am worried. I can't deny that. But I hope I get out of this alive. InshaAllah. :s
To ensure my survival, I have come up with some rules to negate some of my previous behaviors, in order to avoid any mishappenings.
* Don't stand out in the class.
* Don't answer the questions.
* Never sit in front rows.
* No revolutionizing.
* Interact as little as possible.
* Don't get involved in other people's messes. You're no Samurai.
* Don't let HOD's know, you're there at least till the first stage has taken place.
* Spend more time in the library with books.
* Don't see your old friends, you're gonna feel miserable and unhappy which you're already anyways (you dun accept it, but you are...)
* Study, study, study and study.
Wish me luck.
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